done
im stupid- going back to my old blog location at yourdamnproblem.easyjournal.com
6.13.2007
7.27.2006
change
personal update- I'm doing better this morning the day after. While both CR and I are highly disappointed at the results, we take faith in God and know it may not be our time yet. Things will happen when its time to. My faith has gotten me this far, so I will hold steadfast and remain focus on my other tasks at hand.
I would like to touch on the topic of change.
I have been reading everyone's journals and everyone talks about change.
Personally speaking, my life is always changing. In respect to my friends, I am always on "another level". Not saying my level is better or more advance than theirs, but I'm what some people may call an old soul. I had to deal with a lot and see a lot.
I thank god for those experiences because it allows me to share them with my friends when they hit those crossroads in their life and need someone to relate to. Sometimes its hard being the only one going through something's. But in my life that is often the case and God has place me in these situations for a reason. I don't mind it actually, I know that is what makes me who I am and I enjoy that.
Change-life is change. People never stay the same and its unfair and selfish of others to expect people to do so.
Every day, every second your personality is changed or altered in some way. The person passing you by who smiles, a nasty experience in a restaurant, a relationship, a friendship.
Its both the little things and big things in life that mold and shape you. The dangerous part is when you harp on them too much and not allow the lesson to fully sink in. Or you create issues that really aren't there.
I analyze. I used to analyze too much. I have learned through watching other people that doing so can seriously cause more harm than good. Its like the situation with a lost pair of keys. You look so hard that you forget that they are right there in your hand. You have now wasted about 20 mins of your time and your late.
Sit back, get some popcorn and enjoy the movie folks, one day you'll be old and blind and won't be able to hear or see the show.
peace and love.
I would like to touch on the topic of change.
I have been reading everyone's journals and everyone talks about change.
Personally speaking, my life is always changing. In respect to my friends, I am always on "another level". Not saying my level is better or more advance than theirs, but I'm what some people may call an old soul. I had to deal with a lot and see a lot.
I thank god for those experiences because it allows me to share them with my friends when they hit those crossroads in their life and need someone to relate to. Sometimes its hard being the only one going through something's. But in my life that is often the case and God has place me in these situations for a reason. I don't mind it actually, I know that is what makes me who I am and I enjoy that.
Change-life is change. People never stay the same and its unfair and selfish of others to expect people to do so.
Every day, every second your personality is changed or altered in some way. The person passing you by who smiles, a nasty experience in a restaurant, a relationship, a friendship.
Its both the little things and big things in life that mold and shape you. The dangerous part is when you harp on them too much and not allow the lesson to fully sink in. Or you create issues that really aren't there.
I analyze. I used to analyze too much. I have learned through watching other people that doing so can seriously cause more harm than good. Its like the situation with a lost pair of keys. You look so hard that you forget that they are right there in your hand. You have now wasted about 20 mins of your time and your late.
Sit back, get some popcorn and enjoy the movie folks, one day you'll be old and blind and won't be able to hear or see the show.
peace and love.
7.26.2006
starting over
The first new blog from what seems to be a new me. Its somewhat funny. I tried to keep the old blog up, but the purpose for that was for the stage in my live that has been laided to rest.
While I did start a new blog, I'm not forgetting the old one, because that will always be a part of me. The blog I used to post on was more for my friends and my own personal entertainment. I will often post old blogs and reference what was funny then, to the actual lessons I learned and how I use them now. Lots is going on, but it may not be in a dating,social aspect like it was before.
August 2004-That's when I started the previous blog. Do you know how long ago that was? So much has happened since then. Frenchie- the virigins, the thugs, everything.
wow.
And where I am currently in my life is light years away from where I am now. I do not regret anything that has taken place or was written in my past blog, but I am at a crossroads in my life where I have learned that I will never have that same life again.
Some are wondering what I am referring to when I say that. Its a odd place to be when your in the position I am in at the current moment. My current relationship is in a place where we are headed to a place where we are going to be a "permanent thing". I think back on a sex and city ep where Carrie was discussing the whole change from being single to being a couple. taken from a article:
"Carrie finds herself longing for the privacy that comes with being single. "I miss walking into my apartment with no one there … and I can do all the stuff you do when you're totally alone." Carrie calls it her "Secret Single Behavior." Further, she becomes quickly annoyed when people begin to see her only in relation to Aidan. To remedy this, she begins wearing her engagement ring around her neck, where it is less noticeable.
The problem is not that she doesn't love Aidan, or want to be with him, but that despite what Bride magazine or the culture at large says, single life is not some ephemeral state she temporarily resides in until she marries and blossoms into womanhood. As she asks in her weekly sex column, "Once we found what we've been searching for, why are some reluctant to let go of our single selves? … To be in a couple, do you have to put your single self on a shelf?""
My single self was starting to be put on a shelf right before I started to really date my current boyfriend so I don't feel its his fault or our relationships fault. I had just started a business and dating just wasn't something I wanted to make time for. Too busy, too many things going on. Right now I socially just can't be social. Business, not dating is causing my social slump. I do worry that people will start clumping me and him together as one entity,but thank goodness we have different hobbies and pastimes we share with our friends individually that allow us to retain our personalities. Perhaps is that my boyfriend and I are...gasp...a stable relationship that doesn't feel that marriage or a ring will make us happy. We are working on building a strong relationship and marriage (did I just say that? lol) and while my mother and everyone else are too caught up in the actual wedding and dressing rather than making sure we are ready to actually be married, we tend to build our focus on making sure we keep with building on the actual relationship, which we want to last more than some 6 hour, one-time only event.
At the end of the day I think its good. Let the moms, friends, cousins and everyone else worry about the superficial stuff so I don't have to get caught up in that stuff and focus on what is important.
from a entry I wrote in 2/2005- the entry in which I broke up with frenchie:
"to add to said drama, his "best friend" moved into the extra room in our house. I use quotations because come to find out that he doesn't even hang with them. Roomie asked me if Frenchie had any other friends beside them! They were under the impression that I use up all his time...which he now sees isn't the case.
which leads me to this point: when one person is too attached to a relationship, it causes too much pressure on the other person.
I can't be smothered. His whole life depends on what I do and say, and that isn't normal. The fact that his friends noted the same problem makes me feel better- at least it isn't just me thinking this.
so I'm back to singledom...and already bored.
I have made a effort to go out more. Not to look for men, but to be young. I'm 23 and live the life of a 63 year old. "
Looking back on that statement was funny. My point was certainly unfinished. There is a tendency for some people to get too caught up in the relationship they are currently in and lose themselves. We all have friends who do that. Their boyfriends/girlfriends have a particular hobby, now all of a sudden that is their hobby as if they have always enjoyed it. That to me is a clear example of someone putting their single selves on the shelf.
The unfinished part of the point I was trying to make it that it okay to love someone. Frenchie seemed overly attached because I wasn't attached to him at all. I didn't really care for him at the same level that he did me and I knew that. The relationship should of ended a long time ago.
My current boyfriend has tested the way I have previously dealt with relationships. I dated the guys who always kept my attention for the most part, but never actually kept my heart. That made it easier for me to let them go, or when they left, not feel as vulnerable. That doesn't really cause a problem when you are just dating because you there isn't really any actual feelings involved.
My problem came with maintaining and keeping long term relationships with these people. Since they were so much more into me than I was into them, doing the bare minimum was effective and I still had time to hang out with my friends.
My current boyfriend shattered that process because I was able to go about dating in this fashion and never met anyone I actually wanted to invest in. I met him and actually liked him. I dogged him out in my blog when I talk about first meeting him.
I first met CR (that's the name I give him on here) in May 2005. I was also seeing lots of other people including the other famous character who seemed to take up all my time, thug passion. People really seemed to enjoy hearing his stories, and further more, I enjoyed being a part of them and telling them. At that point in my life, CR wasn't fitting where I was socially.
I wrote him off completely. I stated in my may 2005 blog that he was financially all over the place, lazy and had too much baggage and down right goofy.
harsh.
We actually talk about all those items in detailed once we became friends and he is actually stable and responsible. I believe I marked him off from the beginning simply to self preserve where I was at in that point of my life. I knew he was a nice guy and I did like him, but I wasn't ready to give up that for dating anyone seriously.
I do not regret doing so. Being honest with yourself is such a simple ideal but so hard for many to actually do. Go with your heart and do what you really, really, really want they say. But sometimes when you are faced with other options that make choosing a difficult task, being honest is hard when sometimes your not sure what you really want or have a tendency to second guess yourself.
I was honest with myself at that time. I didn't want a relationship. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't ready. There were small issues that I had to deal with as well. He didn't have a car. That didn't bother me until someone said something about it, but that too was just a excuse to keep me from saying out loud I just wasn't ready.
But the old saying is that if its meant to be that it will be, and it did.
Even with my business keeping me busy, we still manage to make it work.
Its weird being in this "new" place in my life. I am certainly more focused and that really changed me. I don't go out much anymore, mainly because I have so much stuff I have to do and when I do have time to myself, I need to sleep. And I also want to use my spare time to do things I want to do and enjoy-like watching lame TV or listening to music or even drawing, which is something I haven't had time to do and was finally able to get back to it.
And he's able to keep up with that. We don't really see each other often. I reserve many weekends for staying at his house. While he is working during the day- I work in bed at his house. At night, we chill. During the weekdays he may stop over for one night.
Other than that-its phone conversations, im and emails.
One thing I do miss is the connection I had with friends. I still talk to them from time to time, but I rarely go out. Again, me being busy. But the past week I haven't been able to work.
I just got back into working ...well...yesterday. My body simply shut off. I slept all weekend. Its like I woke up one morning and my mind said, something is happening. Your business will be fine in a week, stop doing so much and calm down.
Its not like my friends or family, or even myself hasn't said this already. I knew this fact a long time ago.
What made this different is that there was a major change, a life alerting event that caused me to harshly look at what I was doing to myself.
I think I am pregnant.
I say think because I am not sure yet.This event caused me to do a 360 in regards to how I see things in my life and caused me to face many fears in my life about myself.
First off- I have not found out the results yet. I don't think I am anymore and quiet frankly, I am really upset I have to wait.
Secondly- It has forced me to look at how much work I do load onto myself and if I was-what would I do?
I had plenty of time to think about this last week. Last Sunday I couldn't get much work done. Boyfriend was at work and I was tired of looking at the computer all week. I got on a train and opted to go visit him at work. While he was busy, I ran around the town and sat in the park by the water and thought for a bit.
How would I feel if I was?
and after much thought and to my surprise, I was actually okay with it.
after more thought, omg, I actually wanted it.
damn.
I of ALL people never thought I would be in a place where marriage and kids was something I wanted. But I learned that I am glad I wasn't one of those women who was waiting for it to happened and needed it to happen. These things happening are not going to validate me as a women and I never actively searched for it. I dated, I met someone with whom I could myself being with and things just naturally took it course.
He of course is really excited.
Once I realized I was, it was almost automatic. My health became more important. I streamlined working and thought of ways to give myself more "me" time. I crossed off items on my list that needed to be done that I realized weren't that important. I said no to people.
It was like someone turned the lightblub on.
I was more attentive to my boyfriend. Not that I wasn't, but since I was allotting more time to me, I then in return was able to give him the attention he needed as well. Once I realized that I really did want to share something that big with him, making sure he actually felt it rather than me just saying that made more of a bigger deal to me.
But as the days pass and the uncertainly continues to mount, my hopes are draining that I am not. Now that I accepted the fact I could be pregnant, could I accept the fact that I am not if the results are negative?
I can accept the fact that I am not. After all, I was not actively trying to be in the first place. However, if it does come back negative ( as I currently think it will ) I am left feeling kinda bla.
just bla. disappointed, kinda bummed, bla. Kinda how you feel when you buy a powerball ticket when the jackpot is its highest and you feel as if your ticket is the winner. You dream of all the stuff you will get and who you will tell to fuck off. You start to get that gut feeling that your gonna win. You like "I really feel it"
and then you lose. to some hick in one the fucking square states who believe in crop circles.
fucking square states.....
never mind..
I found out.
im not.....
damn those square states.I hope bobby Jim rayford in north fucking Dakota is happy.
I'm disappointed. I feel like bla. while I could easily sit there and there and say "oh well at least I am ready for one", the fact is that there is still some chance I could be. the nurse said it could still be too early to tell and that I won't in fact really know until the time my period comes again.
whatever-I don't have time to be in limbo. im going to take this as a affirmative no.
and yes. Im disappointed. Im sure in a couple of days I will be over this,but for right now I will just sit with my disappointment and allow it to run its course. I felt that emotionally I grew light years out of just the sheer thought of being, and now that I'm not I'm left with the "now what" feeling. I know I have plenty of things to do to occupy my time, so "now what" is so stupid to say. My business and other things of the like, but I am emotionally im in a "now what" place. After all that personal growth...nothing? I know I gained a lot, but that is how my initial reaction was. This could also have me feeling this way because I was certain inside that I was. The night it happened we both looked at each as if we knew what just happened. We felt it was right. I'm certain my disappointment also steams from that as well.
so right now im just allowing myself to sit with this and in a few days, this too shall pass and I'll be back to staring at RGB colors dancing across my screen once again.
I see u bobby Jim...I know where you live dog..imp coming after u.
While I did start a new blog, I'm not forgetting the old one, because that will always be a part of me. The blog I used to post on was more for my friends and my own personal entertainment. I will often post old blogs and reference what was funny then, to the actual lessons I learned and how I use them now. Lots is going on, but it may not be in a dating,social aspect like it was before.
August 2004-That's when I started the previous blog. Do you know how long ago that was? So much has happened since then. Frenchie- the virigins, the thugs, everything.
wow.
And where I am currently in my life is light years away from where I am now. I do not regret anything that has taken place or was written in my past blog, but I am at a crossroads in my life where I have learned that I will never have that same life again.
Some are wondering what I am referring to when I say that. Its a odd place to be when your in the position I am in at the current moment. My current relationship is in a place where we are headed to a place where we are going to be a "permanent thing". I think back on a sex and city ep where Carrie was discussing the whole change from being single to being a couple. taken from a article:
"Carrie finds herself longing for the privacy that comes with being single. "I miss walking into my apartment with no one there … and I can do all the stuff you do when you're totally alone." Carrie calls it her "Secret Single Behavior." Further, she becomes quickly annoyed when people begin to see her only in relation to Aidan. To remedy this, she begins wearing her engagement ring around her neck, where it is less noticeable.
The problem is not that she doesn't love Aidan, or want to be with him, but that despite what Bride magazine or the culture at large says, single life is not some ephemeral state she temporarily resides in until she marries and blossoms into womanhood. As she asks in her weekly sex column, "Once we found what we've been searching for, why are some reluctant to let go of our single selves? … To be in a couple, do you have to put your single self on a shelf?""
My single self was starting to be put on a shelf right before I started to really date my current boyfriend so I don't feel its his fault or our relationships fault. I had just started a business and dating just wasn't something I wanted to make time for. Too busy, too many things going on. Right now I socially just can't be social. Business, not dating is causing my social slump. I do worry that people will start clumping me and him together as one entity,but thank goodness we have different hobbies and pastimes we share with our friends individually that allow us to retain our personalities. Perhaps is that my boyfriend and I are...gasp...a stable relationship that doesn't feel that marriage or a ring will make us happy. We are working on building a strong relationship and marriage (did I just say that? lol) and while my mother and everyone else are too caught up in the actual wedding and dressing rather than making sure we are ready to actually be married, we tend to build our focus on making sure we keep with building on the actual relationship, which we want to last more than some 6 hour, one-time only event.
At the end of the day I think its good. Let the moms, friends, cousins and everyone else worry about the superficial stuff so I don't have to get caught up in that stuff and focus on what is important.
from a entry I wrote in 2/2005- the entry in which I broke up with frenchie:
"to add to said drama, his "best friend" moved into the extra room in our house. I use quotations because come to find out that he doesn't even hang with them. Roomie asked me if Frenchie had any other friends beside them! They were under the impression that I use up all his time...which he now sees isn't the case.
which leads me to this point: when one person is too attached to a relationship, it causes too much pressure on the other person.
I can't be smothered. His whole life depends on what I do and say, and that isn't normal. The fact that his friends noted the same problem makes me feel better- at least it isn't just me thinking this.
so I'm back to singledom...and already bored.
I have made a effort to go out more. Not to look for men, but to be young. I'm 23 and live the life of a 63 year old. "
Looking back on that statement was funny. My point was certainly unfinished. There is a tendency for some people to get too caught up in the relationship they are currently in and lose themselves. We all have friends who do that. Their boyfriends/girlfriends have a particular hobby, now all of a sudden that is their hobby as if they have always enjoyed it. That to me is a clear example of someone putting their single selves on the shelf.
The unfinished part of the point I was trying to make it that it okay to love someone. Frenchie seemed overly attached because I wasn't attached to him at all. I didn't really care for him at the same level that he did me and I knew that. The relationship should of ended a long time ago.
My current boyfriend has tested the way I have previously dealt with relationships. I dated the guys who always kept my attention for the most part, but never actually kept my heart. That made it easier for me to let them go, or when they left, not feel as vulnerable. That doesn't really cause a problem when you are just dating because you there isn't really any actual feelings involved.
My problem came with maintaining and keeping long term relationships with these people. Since they were so much more into me than I was into them, doing the bare minimum was effective and I still had time to hang out with my friends.
My current boyfriend shattered that process because I was able to go about dating in this fashion and never met anyone I actually wanted to invest in. I met him and actually liked him. I dogged him out in my blog when I talk about first meeting him.
I first met CR (that's the name I give him on here) in May 2005. I was also seeing lots of other people including the other famous character who seemed to take up all my time, thug passion. People really seemed to enjoy hearing his stories, and further more, I enjoyed being a part of them and telling them. At that point in my life, CR wasn't fitting where I was socially.
I wrote him off completely. I stated in my may 2005 blog that he was financially all over the place, lazy and had too much baggage and down right goofy.
harsh.
We actually talk about all those items in detailed once we became friends and he is actually stable and responsible. I believe I marked him off from the beginning simply to self preserve where I was at in that point of my life. I knew he was a nice guy and I did like him, but I wasn't ready to give up that for dating anyone seriously.
I do not regret doing so. Being honest with yourself is such a simple ideal but so hard for many to actually do. Go with your heart and do what you really, really, really want they say. But sometimes when you are faced with other options that make choosing a difficult task, being honest is hard when sometimes your not sure what you really want or have a tendency to second guess yourself.
I was honest with myself at that time. I didn't want a relationship. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't ready. There were small issues that I had to deal with as well. He didn't have a car. That didn't bother me until someone said something about it, but that too was just a excuse to keep me from saying out loud I just wasn't ready.
But the old saying is that if its meant to be that it will be, and it did.
Even with my business keeping me busy, we still manage to make it work.
Its weird being in this "new" place in my life. I am certainly more focused and that really changed me. I don't go out much anymore, mainly because I have so much stuff I have to do and when I do have time to myself, I need to sleep. And I also want to use my spare time to do things I want to do and enjoy-like watching lame TV or listening to music or even drawing, which is something I haven't had time to do and was finally able to get back to it.
And he's able to keep up with that. We don't really see each other often. I reserve many weekends for staying at his house. While he is working during the day- I work in bed at his house. At night, we chill. During the weekdays he may stop over for one night.
Other than that-its phone conversations, im and emails.
One thing I do miss is the connection I had with friends. I still talk to them from time to time, but I rarely go out. Again, me being busy. But the past week I haven't been able to work.
I just got back into working ...well...yesterday. My body simply shut off. I slept all weekend. Its like I woke up one morning and my mind said, something is happening. Your business will be fine in a week, stop doing so much and calm down.
Its not like my friends or family, or even myself hasn't said this already. I knew this fact a long time ago.
What made this different is that there was a major change, a life alerting event that caused me to harshly look at what I was doing to myself.
I think I am pregnant.
I say think because I am not sure yet.This event caused me to do a 360 in regards to how I see things in my life and caused me to face many fears in my life about myself.
First off- I have not found out the results yet. I don't think I am anymore and quiet frankly, I am really upset I have to wait.
Secondly- It has forced me to look at how much work I do load onto myself and if I was-what would I do?
I had plenty of time to think about this last week. Last Sunday I couldn't get much work done. Boyfriend was at work and I was tired of looking at the computer all week. I got on a train and opted to go visit him at work. While he was busy, I ran around the town and sat in the park by the water and thought for a bit.
How would I feel if I was?
and after much thought and to my surprise, I was actually okay with it.
after more thought, omg, I actually wanted it.
damn.
I of ALL people never thought I would be in a place where marriage and kids was something I wanted. But I learned that I am glad I wasn't one of those women who was waiting for it to happened and needed it to happen. These things happening are not going to validate me as a women and I never actively searched for it. I dated, I met someone with whom I could myself being with and things just naturally took it course.
He of course is really excited.
Once I realized I was, it was almost automatic. My health became more important. I streamlined working and thought of ways to give myself more "me" time. I crossed off items on my list that needed to be done that I realized weren't that important. I said no to people.
It was like someone turned the lightblub on.
I was more attentive to my boyfriend. Not that I wasn't, but since I was allotting more time to me, I then in return was able to give him the attention he needed as well. Once I realized that I really did want to share something that big with him, making sure he actually felt it rather than me just saying that made more of a bigger deal to me.
But as the days pass and the uncertainly continues to mount, my hopes are draining that I am not. Now that I accepted the fact I could be pregnant, could I accept the fact that I am not if the results are negative?
I can accept the fact that I am not. After all, I was not actively trying to be in the first place. However, if it does come back negative ( as I currently think it will ) I am left feeling kinda bla.
just bla. disappointed, kinda bummed, bla. Kinda how you feel when you buy a powerball ticket when the jackpot is its highest and you feel as if your ticket is the winner. You dream of all the stuff you will get and who you will tell to fuck off. You start to get that gut feeling that your gonna win. You like "I really feel it"
and then you lose. to some hick in one the fucking square states who believe in crop circles.
fucking square states.....
never mind..
I found out.
im not.....
damn those square states.I hope bobby Jim rayford in north fucking Dakota is happy.
I'm disappointed. I feel like bla. while I could easily sit there and there and say "oh well at least I am ready for one", the fact is that there is still some chance I could be. the nurse said it could still be too early to tell and that I won't in fact really know until the time my period comes again.
whatever-I don't have time to be in limbo. im going to take this as a affirmative no.
and yes. Im disappointed. Im sure in a couple of days I will be over this,but for right now I will just sit with my disappointment and allow it to run its course. I felt that emotionally I grew light years out of just the sheer thought of being, and now that I'm not I'm left with the "now what" feeling. I know I have plenty of things to do to occupy my time, so "now what" is so stupid to say. My business and other things of the like, but I am emotionally im in a "now what" place. After all that personal growth...nothing? I know I gained a lot, but that is how my initial reaction was. This could also have me feeling this way because I was certain inside that I was. The night it happened we both looked at each as if we knew what just happened. We felt it was right. I'm certain my disappointment also steams from that as well.
so right now im just allowing myself to sit with this and in a few days, this too shall pass and I'll be back to staring at RGB colors dancing across my screen once again.
I see u bobby Jim...I know where you live dog..imp coming after u.
